Daddy & His Princess

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

December 25, 2011

Today is Christmas day and our precious angel Alhana is 10 months old. I miss her so much. The other day i was cleaning the house and i heard my son Matthew talking in his room, i stopped and listened and he said "Lala i love you, i'm talking to you"! I wanted to cry. Every so often i hear Matty talking to Alhana, and i know he misses her as much as we do. last night i was working on a blanket and Matty came, took the blanket out of my hand and sat on my lap, he gave me a hug and said "mommy i'm sad", i said why baby? he said "i'm going to cry" i said why are you going to cry baby? he said " because i miss Lala mommy", i almost lost it. My son is 3 1/2 and knows what happened to his sister. Everyone says i get's easier as time goes on but i think it only get's harder. February is coming up way to fast for our liking and that means our babygirl is going to be a year and her 1 yr anniversary is coming up:(

Sunday, September 25, 2011

We got a call sometime last week saying that my placenta was sent to Boston Childeren's Hospital where they examined my placenta. They told us that the results showed  i had something called Placental Maturation Defect, which means the Cord stopped giving blood and oxygen to Alhana. The Dr's told us the cord was wrapped around her neck and that is how she passed, when in fact that was not the case. We think the Cord failed due to all of the swelling i had. When i looked up Placental Maturation Defect it said there are no warning signs..the only sign is fetal death. I am also wondering if i was further along then what the DR's really thought and that is also why the cord failed? When i was 29 weeks i was measuring at 32...
It's been sometime since i last wrote, things have been crazy, and i know that is not an excuse. Today our beautiful Angel Alhana MaryJean is 7 months old. Everyday i wonder who she would look like, the sound of her laughter, her smile and what color eyes she would have, if they would have been hazel~brown like her daddy and brother or ice blue like Mommy. These are things we will never know, until we meet her again in heaven. We love and miss her so much, there is not a day that passes that Alhana is not on our minds, and there never will be. All of Her Clothes are still hanging up in between mine and daddy's. Which brings me to say that we found out On Monday we are having another Girl, and all of Alhana's clothes are going to be passed down to her baby sister. I don't know if that is a good idea or not, i am always going to wonder what Alhana would have looked like in her little dresses, and outfits. I want to buy this baby her OWN clothes but hubby thinks we should use Alhana's and that she would like that. i am sure she would, but they are her's. i don't know, i am confused. When we found out we were having another girl we started crying. we are happy but sad at the same time. 

When we told Matty the news that he has another little sister on the way, he said "oh Lala in Mommy's belly"? referring to Alhana and we told him " No Sweetie" not Alhana, it's another baby, and she is NOT replacing Alhlana. We Make sure to tell him everyday that Alhana will always be his little sister and that he has two sisters. I think me being pregnant confuses him, because he was expecting Alhana to come home with us and  instead she went home with the lord, and he is not sure what to make of this baby. We ALL were expecting her to come home with us. He will understand in time. And Matty is an awesome big brother. Every night he asks for Alhana's Urn so he can kiss her good night, he takes her little velvet bag with her ashes in it out, kisses it, say's "I Love You La LA" and sings "Rock A Bye Baby" to her. Then he yells I love you LA LA...sometimes he comes to me and says " Mommy Lala sleeping in the sky" and i tell him YES and he smiles and says "Oh".

Thursday, August 18, 2011


 I decided to write as soon as I could before i forgot what i dreamt  about, but it's highly likely that i would because it is unexplainable.
 Last night i had a disturbing dream that i gave birth to Alhana, and again she was stillborn. In my dream we were in this room where we kept her with us. A day went by and i was holding Alhana in my arms and all of a sudden she started moving, opening her eye's, and yawning. My husband and i told the nurse and she thought we were crazy, until she saw this same thing herself. In my dream Alhana sat up and said she was hungry and wanted me to feed her. After that I woke up, I could not sleep anymore. I don't know how to explain the dreams i keep having of my baby girl. 'I'm not sure if this pregnancy has anything to do with these dream and what they mean. I am not sure if this dream is trying to tell me something or if my mind is playing tricks on me. And dreams like this, make me worry about this baby.

Monday, August 1, 2011

August 1st, 2011

The last few weeks i have been having dreams that make me uneasy..most are about our rainbow baby growing inside of me. My last Dr appointment our New Dr asked if we wanted the amniocentesis and we said no. Well last night in my dream, i was at the Dr's office and the nurses came in with the needle and i asked what they were doing and they said they were doing the  amniocentesis. I told them that we already talked about this with the DR and decided that we were not going to do that, due to the risks involved. In my dream they told me it had to be done, i ended up ripping the needle from my Dr came in the room and i told him what happened...when i got home i had to go to the hospital because i ended up going into labor and the Dr's told me the baby was not going to make it because it was 5 months early...i am not sure what to make of this dream. it was really scary, i woke up and told my husband i had a bad dream about the baby..he reassures me the baby is okay..but what does this dream mean?? Nothing i hope. I have another ultrasound scheduled for The 4th...and another appointment on the 22nd. My due date is February 13th, but my Dr is planning on inducing me between 36-38 give or take i have about 5 in a hf months left..and i feel like it's going to be a long 5 months.

July 25th, 2011

Today has been 5 months since our babygirl was called home to be with the lord and her grandmother. Some days are easier then others, then i find myself slipping into depression thinking about Alhana. Being pregnant so soon is bring back allot of memories. This pregnancy was not planned and we were not sure that we wanted another baby after what we went threw. I am a little more emotional. today all i have done is cry and think of our beautiful Angel. I wish EVERY DAY that she was here so i could hold her, kiss her, she what she would look like and if she would be a spit image of myself or her father and brother..this we will never know. We Miss her every day.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

June 25,2011 ~4 Months ago today.

4 months ago today Alhana, you were born with wings, and the lord and grandma Mary Jean called you to be with them. Not a day or second goes by that we do not think of you . Alhana, you are missed so much. As each day turns into night, and seconds turn to minutes, and minutes to hours Mommy, Daddy & Matty wish we could all hold, hug and kiss you. This still seems like a nightmare that we just can't wake from. This is a nightmare we will be living in for the rest of our lives. I try to imagine that you are happy in heaven and are having fun with grandma, but it makes me sad, because you should be here with us. I want so much to hold and rock you. Matty sings " Rock A Bye Baby" and "You are My Sunshine" to you every night. He loves and misses you so much. I know deep down inside Matty would have been the best big brother to you. It's hard to believe it's been 4 months, it seem like yesterday, every day feels like yesterday. We love and miss you so much Alhana.